Back to Reality

Whaddya mean, what show? Ok, I can’t blame you if you weren’t glued to Channel 5’s Back To Reality.

This time it looks like being a lot worse. As I write, my wife Hanna is packing my suitcase. I might not see her again for three weeks. By the time you read this, I will be locked in a house with one kitchen, one bathroom and twelve beds, with a bunch of people I don’t know.
If you watched Back To Reality last night you’ll already know more than I do right now. Channel Five have surrounded the show with a blanket of secrecy.
When I signed up for it, an executive warned me to tell nothing to anyone.
She didn’t exactly threaten that if I broke the code of silence I would wind up sleeping with the little fishes, but I got the idea. Billboard ads have alerted me to the identities of some of my housemates. Jade Goody will be there – I reckon she’s a likeable girl, and shrewder than she lets on. I’ve met Rik Waller, and we all know about James Hewitt… but I’m not standing for any nonsense from Nasty Nick Bateman. We know it’s a gameshow, and that one of us will be voted off daily till a winner emerges. But how will we earn our food?
I’m nervous. But I’m filled with positive energy, and ready for anything.
After I was voted off I’m A Celebrity, the producers told me the phone system had gone awry – most callers who voted to evict me had actually rung to support me. This is my chance to set the score straight. The prize is a £75,000 cheque for charities of my choice. I’m going to bend all my MindPower to win… so watch out! And don’t forget the golden rule: vote early, vote often, vote Uri!