Ghosties and goalies and soccer’s X-FILES

Before the old spoonbender turned up on TV during Euro 96 to tell us HE was responsible for Gary McAllister missing THAT penalty, football had been a relatively simple game.
Matches were won and lost through headers, tackles, shots and saves – and nothing else.
Now, we’re being made to wonder whether there are unexplained forces from another world influencing what happens in and around our grounds.
Looking into the riddle of David Elliot’s mysterious changing jersey opened my eyes to all this.
I would like to apologise to any readers who suffered anxiety or night terrors as a result of that piece of investigative journalism.
It certainly got me thinking about whether past events us footballing afficionados had taken for granted were quite as straightforward as they appeared. For example:

Did Hans Eskilsson really quit Hearts for footballing reasons – or because he had to go back to his full-time job as The Yeti.
· Scott Nisbet’s famous Champions League goal against Bruges at Ibrox. A freak bounce or a Rangers friendly poltergeist hanging around the penalty area?
· The pies at Stark’s Park. Delicately-prepared portions of meat and pastry made in Kirkcaldy – or, as often suspected, radioactive rocks unearthed on Jupiter?
We even had Tony Fitzpatrick saying the spirits of dead Buddies fans, their ashes scattered over Love Street, helped St. Mirren beat Partick in December.
And the number of injuries hitting Rangers’ squad, and most recently Seb Rozental, is most certainly the stuff of X-Files.
Indeed, I can reveal this morning that there are three cases involving Scottish football on the go right now that have left even FBI agents Mulder and Scully – called in specially by the SFA – at loggerheads.

Case 1: Alien Abduction.

NOT long after arriving in Glasgow to play football, a promising young German player suffered a terrifying experience that lives with him to this day.
Everything had been as normal when he set out for training that autumn morning, but things were to take a . turn for the worse when one of his team-mates offered to give him a true taste of British life.
Our subject remembers accepting the offer, but can recall nothing else. The remainder of the day consists of nothing other than blank and lost hours. Further reports show he felt a drill had been inserted in his head the next morning and that his internal organs had been liquidised.
Mulder says: Many alien abductions involve fit, young humans whose bodies are in prime condition. I suggest this footballer was whisked away by Extra-Terrestrials, who then conducted a host of rigorous physical examinations – leading to the aches and pains the next day.
Scully says: Jorg Albertz has been known to go for the occasional drink with Gazza. Would this be in any way related to the case study mentioned?

Case 2: Demonic Possession.

DURING a visit to Denmark at the end of last year, a Mr R. Aitken of Aberdeen was found behaving in the oddest manner. His Aberdeen side had put on a brave show against a technically-superior team called Brondby, but their unfortunate exit from the UEFA Cup was greeted as a fair result by most observers.
The talk around the dressing rooms revolved around how Aberdeen had fought hard, but lost to a better side. The opinion was unanimous – apart from one notable exception.
Mr Aitken emerged from the locker room with a fixed glare and a bubbly line in chat, which went along the lines of Brondby being LUCKY and his side being potential world-beaters. Further defeats have since produced similar reactions.
Mulder says: When in a state of high excitement, certain individuals can often find themselves vulnerable to being possessed by a spirit from “the other side”.
Experiments have been conducted on TV before, where a psychic will hyperventilate, go into trance – and speak in an altered voice, making bizarre comments they normally wouldn’t dream of.
Perhaps the act of bawling and shouting on the touchline has triggered Mr Aitken’s previously unknown ability to become possessed and transmit garbled messages from beyond.
Scully says: Bear in mind it is Aberdeen the guy manages. That would be likely to send even the sanest man a bit doo-lally, after all.

Case 3: A haunting.

DUNDEE vice-chairman Malcolm Reid has been showing concern recently about an intangible presence causing problem upon problem at Dens Park.

Presence

Its influence became so bad that popular former resident Jim Duffy was forced to move out because of it.
Like many other presences, this one brings with it a distinctive smell – a rather fishy one, to be exact.
Mulder says: Spirits can often appear in places where there is considerable upheaval, and Dens Park certainly fits that bill.
Perhaps the presence is that of an old player, unhappy with the club’s lowly league position. Or maybe it is that of a deceased greyhound, eager for one more lap of the track in front of the electric atmosphere that sport created on Tayside.
Scully says: Don’t say Ron Dixon’s back in the country!
So, have we discovered a paranormal phenomenon – or have I just been sniffing the liniment for overly-extended periods.
If you have any spooky football-related tales about ghosts, ghouls or little green men, send them to me at: The Sun, 124 Portman Street, Glasgow, G41 1EJ.