My black 1976 Cadillac Brougham was the pride of my life.

The images which have appeared in a Hampshire cornfield – an alien face and a stream of binary data – are too bizarre and too complex to be called crop circles. They are so complicated, in fact, that no one without a degree in computer science and astronomy could hope to understand them.

I wanted my Caddy to stay meaningful to me, so I set about bolting every bent spoon I ever kept to its bodywork. Soon it was festooned with spoons and forks that were once owned by JFK, Elvis, Dali, Chopin, Fellini, Danny Kaye, Andy Warhol, David Bowie, Gary Cooper, Diego Maradona, David Frost, Elton John, Elizabeth Taylor, Charlie Chaplin and Barbra Streisand. And Freud,

Churchill, Ali, Loren, Gorbachev, Rasputin, Houdini and Picasso. All the silverware has been arranged to form a gigantic peace symbol when seen from above.
Naturally I can’t get it insured to drive. With all that cutlery festooning the bonnet, imagine the consequences of an accident. Talk about cutting
someone up in traffic!